Tuesday, March 24, 2015

An Ending of Sorts,,,

Today is the 3 month mark since Kyle died.

It's crazy to me the way time has warped in and out 
of itself.  

Bending and folding and moving forward, carrying us 
with it every single day.

For this entire journey I've used this blog
as a platform for my feelings, Kyle's story,
and a journal of sorts.

It has been cathartic and therapeutic.

I have touched people and offended people 
all in the same post.

(That takes great talent I'll have you know!)

In the past few days I have felt like his journey,
while it will continue to unfold forever in a million
different ways in the ripples and imprints his children 
will have on the world, is done.

The story of the evil cancer, and all that came 
to pass because of it, has finished.

The story now unfolds in a new way for all of us.

It is about new challenges and fresh starts
and beginning again in so many different ways.

In many ways big parts of my "old life", the life
before cancer, are gone--forever now.

It makes me sad and crushes my heart some days.
It makes me curious to see what the future holds
on other days.

We are all changed people because of this journey
we took, through no choice of our own.

Mostly, and in the biggest way, I feel like myself
and my children are the most changed.  

I cannot speak for any extended family, nor will
I.  It is not my place to say for them how they
have or have not been changed, although I would 
imagine many of them feel the same.

Or maybe not?
I do not know.

I have spoken often lately with my CC wives, 
who are all now widows.  
This cancer has stolen so many young lives,
so many young fathers, and left us widows and 
fatherless.

Orphans in a way.  Left alone to flounder
at sea until we find new footings to stand on.
Fresh courage to move ahead and patience with
ourselves to move through the process, which
is long and arduous. 

So many of us have said that the people around us do
not know how to deal with cancer and death and we
have been left by the wayside in many ways.

Lives carry on.

Including our lives.

Yet, it will be with new friends and new relationships
and new jobs and new lives--literally.

For there is no going back to what we once had.

There are only memories and ghosts of memories.

I told my friend today that it's been 3 of the 
longest months of my life and yet in those 
3 (also very short) months I cannot remember
what Kyle's laugh sounds like anymore.

I have tried and tried and I cannot find it anywhere 
in my memory.

Maybe it will return, but for now it's gone.

And as I move forward there are so many things I am
afraid of forgetting.  So to remember I talk about him.

Please always let me talk about him.

No matter where my path leads, Kyle will always be
a part of my life and my heart and my children and 
what we are made of.  The very DNA of our family.

And so today, I am bidding this blog a fond farewell.

It is quite literally a part of my soul.
The very most vulnerable part.

It is my heart ripped open and bleeding on page 
after page of my life.

It is the expression of my love for the dearest man
in my life.

It is the bitter heartache and tears of a bullet
train of death speeding toward me for 2 straight years.

It is honest and raw and the only way I knew how to 
do this.

Forgive me for not knowing any other way.

I will probably find some obscure place to keep 
typing where no one can see anymore.

I am not sure my heart can be this brittle and broken,
and find a way to heal, unless I can let out my truth.

All of my truth--and not everyone needs to, or wants
to hear that truth.

Because while there is plenty of good, there is also
still great great deep and abiding sadness my soul
must work through to heal.

And so I bid adieu to these pages that have so kindly
hosted my words.

And I bid goodbye to all those who have read and 
commented for both good and bad.  I am so grateful
for friendships forged and people "met" and
news and information that could be shared because
of what I wrote.

I may update every now and again and we pass through
some milestone that deserves to be honored, but until
then this is an ending of sorts.

As I begin this journey of the "other side".

The side without Kyle.  And cancer.
And cholangio-freakin-carcinoma.

A journey of healing and trying to find light
and life and laughter and joy again in my life
without him.

A journey in his honor.

Because we promised we would ...

find joy
and happiness
and live the life he could not finish living.

And that's what I've got for today.







Kyle last spring in the red rocks of
Southern Utah (MOAB/ARCHES National Park).
This was the dearest place to his hearts.

And Kyle loved Edward Abbey, so I will 
leave you all with this quote:

"May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome
and dangerous, leading to the most amazing views."

Go seize the day people and find some amazing views
in your life to honor this wonderful soul!

3 comments:

  1. I will continue to root for you and your family, Dorien. Bless you all.

    ReplyDelete
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  3. Thank you for sharing, I was fighting my cancer. A week after I turned 45 I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that spread to my liver. It was a long hard journey but July 19 will be 5 years cancer free after drinking Dr Itua herbal medicine. I wish the best for anyone with cancer and I will recommend Dr Itua to anyone with cancer and Dr Itua will cure you completely. I’m thankful I meant Dr Itua on www.drituaherbalcenter.com. Stay on them about the ox platinum that can leave you with permanent damage. They backed down on mine after drinking dr itua herbal medicine and I don’t have any permanent side effects. Much love from California stays strong . If you have any questions You can write to Dr Itua Herbal Center on drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com.

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